Day 25

10:00 AM

Defending... Defend, defend,defend... We always defend ourselves, every comment aimed at us we take as a personal attack. Never as a tool to grow, to expand our view.. When the conversation is neutral we can talk forever, relaxed and confident. Once the conversation takes a turn towards us, our energy field changes. Our face gets tense and dark, we talk faster, we become restless, and we are ready to do what we love doing... Attack back. Full force, trying to hurt the other person the best way we can. We don't even hear what the other person is saying about us anymore, all we think about are the persons flaws, and the best way to throw it in their face. Make them feel so bad that they will have to stop talking about us... Then we feel better, we feel on top again... This is rooted so deep inside of us, that we don't even know its happening. It's "normal" for us...
We never realize that the critics we receive are like blessings. We should be thankful when we receive them. Love them, and look forward for more. Hearing negative things about us is like watering the plants. We need them to grow, to shine... Instead of closing in when we hear criticism, we should open our arms and embrace them fully. Take them in, contemplate, process and make the best use of them. Choose not to react. When someone "attacks" you, just stay silent and take it in. Nothing else... Respond later, after processing, but never right away. Grow first...
Defend, defend, defend.... Learn, learn, learn....

2:00 PM

Today's class got me tired.  This time it wasn't even my mind that was tired, I think he already gave up on me quitting this journey.  I was just tired from working hard. Slowly I am getting into these yoga postures. My body is opening up, so I am able to go deeper into postures, stay longer and push harder. My balance has improved a lot, as well as overall flexibility. Everything has improved really, except my hamstrings and lower back. As they love to say there is no limit in yoga, you can always push more, and go deeper. I am at the point now where I try to go harder and deeper every class. I have no clue why... My main focus in yoga has always been the mind, not my body and how far I can push it. I always worked hard during my classes, trying my best, but my mind was still the main subject. Even this journey is a mind journey for me. However, I find myself pushing beyond the limits of my body, constantly getting out of my comfort zone. At first I thought that it was my mind and ego that wants to be the best, and to make huge improvements in practice. I don't think that's the case. If that's the case then I would be interested what everyone else is thinking about my practice, looking around, asking around... But no, none of that. Its still that same pattern for me, get up, drive to yoga, do a class, shower... Nothing has changed in that sense. But I can feel the change when I am in the room. It starts of slow, I am tired, with just enough energy to get me through the class. Then we do the breathing exercise, which is now my favorite part of the class (Oh yeah, that's another change. The breathing exercise, and the posture right after it, I always hated. Couldn't wait to get them out of the way. They were so boooooring.... Now, out of nowhere, they are my absolute favorites...). During the breathing exercise is when it starts. Me being tired is out of the window, and all I want to do is go deep, push, breathe.... Test my limits, both physically and mentally. And it stays like this until the last two postures. I go all out... Then, for some reason, before the second to last posture, I am back tired again. I really have to push myself to finish strong. Its like I get out of zone right before these last two postures. Weird....
This is a new experience for me. Not really having any intention to go all out before the class, but then during class I wake up and charge forward full speed. Great... Now I am all sore and tight again....

11:00 PM

25 days... First quarter of my little yoga game is over. So far my team is winning. Winning little battles, and some big ones as well. I have to admit that we haven't been defeated yet. I still think that my mind is waiting for the second quarter, or even the second half, to bring the big guns of the bench. In the meantime, my team is getting stronger and smarter. Learning new plays and new moves every day. Who knows maybe my mind didn't even bring his big guns for this game. Maybe my big guns are bigger... I so want to believe that, but we all know our penthouse neighbour. He is stronger than life sometimes... And he knows it... The mind knows its power and is not afraid to use it. He just waits for the right moment...