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Monday, February 28, 2011

Day 50

10:00 AM

Half way on my journey... 50 days in a row... A friend told me the other day that its not even a challenge anymore. Its like a routine now. I would agree that its not a challenge anymore, however, it is definitely not a routine. Even though at times it is still a battle with my mind, it is more a part of me now, a part of my life. Every class I feel more determined,  more inspired to swim forward. To swim in the unknown waters, without knowing what is on the other side of the shore...
I can feel my Ego getting weaker. It is still strong as a rock, but I can feel it chipping away slowly. I feel good, my discipline is back in full swing, my pride is also weakening. Pride... That is the worse thing one can have. Unfortunately, we all have it, we have tons of it. It is probably one of the main reasons for human suffering. Not willing to change, not willing to listen to someone else, and admit that you are wrong. Too proud to open yourself to your loved ones when you are suffering. To proud to say whatever is in your heart, to share that pain, just as we share the joy. As Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh said, it is too hard for us to say:

                               "Darling, I am suffering. Please help..."

Most of us can't say something like this. We think it makes us weak, our pride is too strong to show that we can feel pain. So we lock ourselves in the room, think, cry, suffer... Never show that we are suffering. We might even know that talking to someone will help, but we still would never do it. We have a role to play, a tough person, disciplined, proud... We can't just change that only because we are suffering... A couple gets into an argument, egos clash, nobody can be a winner. There is never a winner... Then both sides shut down. If I can't win then I am not going to talk at all. So they don't talk to each other. For a day, a week... They both want to talk, they feel it in their chest that they want to talk, but the pride is there. I am not going to be the one that will start talking first... I am not going to be the one that is going to call first... No winners, just losers...
If pride is present in a relationship there is no room for true love... If you are full of pride, you are not capable of loving someone... If you want to be a winner, there is no room for you in love...

2:00 PM

I will remember my 50th class... Not because it is the half point of my journey. It doesn't really matter what day and number it is. It is just a day, just a number... I will remember it because today I have heard the best quote I think in my life...

" Remember, everything will be good on the end, if its not good, than it only                                     means that it is not the end yet"

What else is there to say...? This says it all... You live a life in this manner, there is never a problem. There is never suffering, bad situations. Just a quick stop on the road to good... This is something one should have on the wall and look at it every day. Whatever happens, no matter how painful it is, it is not the end. It can't be the end because it is not good. The good is coming... All one has to do is decide what to do next, and continue driving on the road to good. Not a big deal, it is not the end... The end is all joy, life is all joy. Start enjoying it...

11:00 PM

50 days are behind me. The warm up is over... Now the game starts, now its time to get serious... It is time to lift everything to a higher level. To be even more disciplined, more focused, more determined... To don't know even more... I am ready...

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Day 49

10:00 AM

Have you reached the bottom...? Do you feel, or have you ever felt like your life can't get any worse...? If so, consider yourself extremely lucky, remember and love that moment. It happens to all of us at some point. It has to happen, you need it to happen. Don't hope and pray that you never reach that point in your life, hope and pray that you do. You absolutely need it in order to make your life perfect.
When you find yourself staring at the wall, tears in your eyes, emotionally deflated, having no clue what to do next, this is the moment... This is your birthday, not the actual one when you came out of your mother's womb. This is the moment that will define you, the moment that will either mould you into a true being or kill you...
You are at the bottom... Everything has collapsed on your head. Everything... You can't go any lower. Can't go any lower...? Great!!! There is a good thing in all of this, you realized that you can't go any lower. The only way is up... Going up is always positive, so all the negative will stay down at the bottom behind you. During that "bottom" moment, you will feel terrible. However, when you look back that same "bottom" moment will feel great. The darkest time in your life will be the best time of your life. You will remember it with a smile on your face, you will look back at those times as the new beginnings... It will be your birthday, party time....
All you have to do is get up, wipe your face, look inside yourself and go... Begin and never look back... The way will show itself for you, all you have to do is get up and look ahead...

2:00 PM

Once you get it together, and quit feeling sorry for yourself, the transformation begins. At first, it will feel like you are forcing yourself to do it. Like your forcing yourself to feel good, and to pursue new things. Just stick with it, this is just a short battle that you have to win with your mind. Soon it will feel like something you needed to do all your life, soon you will just do...
Then you become an artist. You paint, you paint the picture you have imagined in your mind. Don't be afraid, paint whatever picture you visioned, regardless of how big it is. Everything is possible... There is no limit, the only limit is in your head. Using small brush strokes, you paint the big picture. It is all in the small brush strokes. Tiny steps forward... Start with one or two simple ones, and go from there. Build your world from the bottom, constantly adding new things and new challenges. You don't have to add new things and challenges, but you will...
The more you paint, your motivation to change will grow. It will all become natural, you will not feel like you need to do new things, accomplish new goals. You will just do and accomplish them. You will become the picture, and the picture will become you.... The "bottom" you once felt will not be visible anymore, even if you turn back and look for it...

11:00 PM

Tired before the class, not sure how am I going to get through this one... Hour and half later, walking out of the studio ready to sprint down the street. It happens every time, never fails. And every time it feels great, it feels liberating... Full lungs...

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Day 48

10:00 AM

       " Find your eyes in the mirror, concentrate, meditate..."

Most of the teachers start a class with this line... I hear it every day. Find your eyes in the mirror... I hear it, but never really do it. I focus on the breath, on the movement, sounds. However, until today I never really found my eyes in the mirror. Never locked in on them...
I did today... For the entire class I didn't look anywhere, but my own eyes. Concentrate, meditate.. It changes the class for you. It is an amazing feeling, You become more aware of the people and things around you, more than if you actually pay attention to them... You become aware of yourself, your energy, you can follow the breath clearer. One thing you really notice is the inner dialog. Focusing on your eyes will give you front row seats in the theater we call life. You are right next to the stage, and you can hear your Ego and mind perform at their best. At one point I just stopped and asked myself: " Does this theater ever closes...? Does it ever stop...?" Naturally, as soon as I said it the theater was shut down. The show was cancelled. Only for 7 seconds though...

2:00 PM

Listen more... Talk less... That should be our motivation, our primary point of focus. Really get yourself to listen, pay attention to what the other person is saying. Try not to think in advance, preparing your answer or what you are going to say, only sit there, breathe, and open yourself to the other person. Don't judge, criticize, and compare. Just listen, and the answer will surface naturally, without even trying to find one. Whatever they have to say, your inner peace stays intact. There is nothing in the world that can disturb you flow, it is YOUR flow. You decide what your reaction to something bad will be. You choose...
Being more quiet, instead of talking and making noise all the time, will enable you to open your senses more and hear more. Hear more from the inside and the outside. Hear the inner dialog, people around you, sounds... Just listen and then make decisions out of it. Use your ears more, not your mouth, you have two of them anyway...

11:00 PM

Really long day today. Good yoga class, number 48... Snowing outside...

Friday, February 25, 2011

DAy 47

10:00 AM

The only right thing to do is





















2:00 PM

The more we do it



















11:00 PM

That's all... Don't you agree...?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Day 46

10:00 AM

Accept...

Whatever comes into your life, into your day, just accept it. Don't try to change it, don't fight against it, don't let it disturb your inner peace. One of the main reasons of our suffering is the fact that we are not able to accept people and things as they are. We want it all to be our way. We think it is our world, and we try to paint the entire picture the way we like it. Someone thinks and talks differently than us, she/he is wrong... A person lives differently than us, he/she is not living right... Dressed out of the ordinary, unique haircut, living style, attitude, tone of voice, not at the same frequency as us, etc... All wrong, weird, what are they thinking...? It bothers us, and we suffer. We want them to be different, to change, to be "normal" again. We can't accept them as they are, and love them the same...
An average person is an expert for adding suffering to oneself. It can be as simple as a rainy day. Instead of accepting it and enjoying the rain, we fight against it from the moment we wake up. We are in a bad mood because its nothing but dark clouds outside, there is no sun, we are going to get wet... How many times have we all heard it: "I just feel terrible, no energy, I don't feel like doing anything. It must be the weather outside, this rain ruins my day...". Suffering... We are suffering because of a rainy day...!?!

2:00 PM

Mindful class... After my yesterday's experience, I went for the opposite today. Full focus on the breath, minimizing the movements, totally present on the mat. For the most part, of course... The mind never stops, but being aware of that very fact is a huge step forward. Even if one is able to breathe clearly for 7 seconds, thats great. Cherish those 7 seconds as if its a year... It is amazing how many things you notice around you, and inside of you, when you are present. The feet and their connection to the mat, the arms on the side of your body going up and down in between the postures, the sounds that other people make, the collective energy... Great feeling... 7 seconds...
Be present and accept everything. If one can do that, happiness will follow her/him everywhere she/he goes... Regardless of what other people do, how much noise they make in a yoga studio, we will love it all. The sound of the keys, the squeezing of the water bottle, talking, all will be music to our ears. The music that we will not even notice anymore. We will hear it, loud and clear, but we will not notice it. It will become exactly what is... Just the keys, the bottle, the talk... Nothing to do with us...

11:00 PM

Another change we should bring into our everyday conversation. Just as a reminder of our present moment...

" Hey, good to see you, what are you thinking...?"

" What is your relationship with the present moment right now...?"

" Who and what are you trying to control and change today...?"

Ask yourself these questions every day. Stop for a second and feel the answer. Turn around and see what is you shadow... Happiness or suffering...


Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Day 45

10:00 AM

My inward discipline is getting stronger... Not just during the yoga class, but in daily life as well. I am more in control, more in the driver seat, of my practice. Regardless of what time I go to sleep, I am up in the morning. Last night I went to sleep around 1 AM and I was up, with the Mala in my hand, at 6 AM. Yes, I was tired, sleepy, my penthouse friend giving his best to stay in bed, but I got up... Got up and set for an hour... My motivation is on a higher level as well. None of this is really new for me, I have done it all before, but somehow I feel like its the first time. I am actually anxious for the new morning to come...
Inward discipline is the hardest thing to improve, but once you get it going it keeps getting deeper and deeper. Before you know it its not even a discipline, it is pleasure... It feels like the only way of doing things...

2:00 PM

Today was a mind class. I actually let it go, didn't even try to get behind the wheel, I just let the mind drive the entire class. After the breathing exercises, my mind usually starts the dancing routine in my head. Normally, I focus on the breath and it quiets down. Today, I did the opposite... I didn't do anything, just followed the mind wherever it was headed. Whenever he felt like not pushing as hard, I didn't push, when I was itching I scratched, going through postures with my head everywhere but in a yoga studio. Being a total puppy...
If one goes through a yoga class like that on a daily bases, then I have to say: "People don't do Yoga!!!". It is absolute torture. All the things that I usually enjoy, were unbearable now. The heat, the stretching, intensity, all felt terrible. I couldn't wait for it to be over. As the time went buy I felt worse and worse on the inside, and my energy was non-existent. At some point I heard a small voice inside of me, pushing for me to wake up and take control. But I didn't, I wanted to finish a class 100% non-mindful . I wanted to see the other side, the mind controlled Yoga practice. Of course, my mind had a different story: "Yes sir, now that's how you do a class! We can go for 500 days in a row like this..." Yeah right... If you do anything in life like this, it will never last more than a few days. This is the reason why most of the resolutions that people make, fail after some time. If you are a puppy, you will most likely fail in everything that you pursue... You will never grow, and you will stay a puppy for the rest of your life. On the outside you might look like a Great Dane, but on the inside, just a puppy...

11:00

Day number 45... Lesson learned... Great Dane, inside and out... Who is in control...?

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Day 44

10:00 AM

People, do Yoga!!! Don't ask why, is it for you, what are the benefits, just do it.  As often as you can, do it... Forget the heat, forget your body being stiff, your mind screaming in your head, forget that you look like a total idiot, and keep going to class. You will feel minor changes that have huge benefits. Yes, you will have better energy, more focus, feel good, be more grounded... All that is guaranteed. However,that's not the feeling I have in mind though... The feeling I want to emphasise is hard to explain in words. Its that feeling that all of us felt at some point, but we have no explanation for it...
I had one today... I finished my class, and walked out of the studio, going to my car. It was freezing, but sunny outside. As I stepped out on the street, I felt overwhelmed... All you can do at this point is inhale and exhale... I felt like taking a sprint down the street for no reason. The sun, the cold, fatigue all felt the same... They all felt like a big exhale...

2:00 PM

Rome wasn't build in one day... Everything takes time and patience. Patience is probably the most important thing in life. Regardless of what your goal is, you have to work towards it, believe in the final result and have patience. Yoga and spiritual practice are primary examples of how crucial it is to be patient. You go to class every day, meditate every day, and most of the time you feel like you are not making any progress. Its like you are jumping in place. The progress is soooo slow... At times you will feel that you are different, your energy, attitude, speech, thinking, its all on a different level. You feel that you are connecting with your true self a little bit, getting closer, every breath. Then, something happens. An incident so strong that your reaction is nothing like your new self. It is even worse than the old self. So disappointing... Just when we thought that we were getting somewhere, we are back at the starting line. All of the sudden, we feel like we didn't improve at all. We feel like it was all one big lie inside our head. Defeated.... What do we do now....?
Again, this very thing that destroyed all your improvement, is exactly what you need to improve even more. You didn't go back at the starting line. You are still at the same spot, on the path, you just fell off the horse. What happened is a lesson... Lesson we had to learn the hard way in order to move forward. A lesson that will be one of the most valuable ones on your path. It doesn't look like it, but you are making progress every day you live mindfully. You can't see it now, but one day you will be able to turn around and see all of it. You will be able to see yourself way back on the starting line, and yourself now on the path... The events that happened during your journey will not be visible. All you will be able to see are big "L" signs on the side of the road. Lesson's that got you forward, lesson's that molded you...
What do we do now...? Get up, dust yourself off, learn the lesson, and get back on the horse... And just continue to ride...

11:00 PM

My 44th class... Days are going by... So am I...

Monday, February 21, 2011

Day 43

10:00 AM

Today is the "don't know" day... Begginers day... Clean sheet...

2:00 PM

No opinion... No words... Just hear, see, smell, feel...

11:00 PM

Just sleep...

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Day 42

10:00 AM

I can use a day off... My body is tired the last few days. Its not so much the sore back, or painful knees, my body is simply tired. For over a month and a half, I didn't have a rest day. I can almost feel it now, feel how great am I going to feel after taking a few days off... I can feel now that my body will bloom and open up like a flower. Right now I am constantly targeting all the major areas in my body, so there is not time to relax fully, to receive all the benefits from practice. Even the teachers say that, after I take some days off, my body is going to take a step into the new world. It is a funny feeling, every time I think about finishing the journey, and the days after, I have this big smile and I feel like my lungs are opening up. Like I said, I can so feel how great it is going to be... I can feel it right now...
I only have 58 days left... Piece of cake... What will I do after I finish the journey...? Probably go to yoga... Change it up a little...

2:00 PM

Most Zen teachers love to use the term "Beginners Mind"... Empty cup... They value it as they value the present moment. I first heard about it many years ago, and it seemed quite simple. Empty your mind, be open to everything, don't think and act like you know it all. I know what beginners mind is....
That's where the problem starts. We KNOW what the beginners mind is... We know it... But we don't have the experience of it. We know what the orange should taste like, but we never tasted it ourselves. If one is walking the path, knowledge is nothing, experience is everything...
When you first set out on a spiritual journey, you are like a hungry dog. You devour everything that comes your way. Books, movies, lectures, retreats, taking it all in without ever raising a question, without a doubt. Tasting everything that comes your way, totally open to the world... Beginners mind in its true sense. When one is in this state, it is very easy to choose the right path, it just seems natural, no thinking needed... After some time, after many books and meditations, our cup is starting to get full. We start to preach to ourselves, and to the others, what is the best way, how to do things. Books become good or not so good, teachers become strong or weak, the direction of your path is changing, discipline weakening... We start to know it all again... Full cup... Beginners mind, gone...
Keeping the open mind, beginners mind, is essential to spiritual practice. Any spiritual practice... Only an open mind can grow, only an open mind can bloom and reach its full potential. Always empty your cup, embrace everything that comes your way. Keep the " I don't know..." and just walk the path...

11:00 PM

It is snowing again... Embrace it with open arms...

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Day 41

10:00 AM

It was my 40th birthday yesterday... 40 days on the journey... It was time to celebrate a little. Even doctors have to let go from to time and go crazy. I think I went too far last night, or maybe I didn't... You be the judge...

You know how it is, a few drinks turned into a drinking fest, and before I knew it I was home doing this...




Tried to take a shower, but that didn't work either...




Forget it, I am just going to sleep it off...




2:00 PM

The morning after... Not a good feeling...




Seriously, shower does not help...




I tried to be productive, do some laundry, but I just couldn't...




All I could do is...



11:00 PM

What...? Your average cat can't have some fun...? Whatever, tomorrow is a new day. Little rain today, sun tomorrow... Just sleep it off...


Friday, February 18, 2011

Day 40

10:00 AM

40 days... My friend wished me a happy 40th birthday today... People keep asking me how I feel. I can't really give an answer. I know that they want to know how different I feel comparing to a month ago, but I don't really know. Physically I notice the difference. Strength, flexibility, balance... All improved greatly. My hamstrings still feel very tight, but at the same time they have never been more flexible. Knees still hurt, lower back is better, hips are still in pain... Those changes I notice, but the changes in ME I don't know. The fact is that I don't remember how I was a month ago. I remember the stuff I was doing, but I don't remember how I was. So its hard to say how I feel right now. Yoga classes became effortless. They go by so fast, and I enjoy every moment of it. I am still far away from just breathing while in class, but I am getting better. Still, I can't tell how I feel. Am I different...? How different...? Don't know. Right, I don't know... That's just it. I can't believe I didn't see it before... This whole time I have been giving a perfect answer, while trying to figure out the answer. Sitting in front of this computer, for the first time I can say I don't know truly... Just blank shit of paper about how I feel... So there is a change. A big one... I used to know how I feel, now I don't... Perfect...

2:00 PM

Present moment... We can hear it everywhere. Live in the present moment, connect with the present moment, life is about the present moment... If you live in a present moment it is all one. No problem. No dualism. No suffering. Just present moment... Now, why in the world is it so difficult to be in the present moment? Yes I know all the answers why: your mind, your ego, world around us, today's life... Still, why does it have to be almost impossible...? Its extremely hard to climb Everest, but if you try, you can go for a day or two and fail... Then you try again for some time, and again you fail. It is just hard to do it. However, at least you get a chance to try your best for a day or two, or even for an hour or two. Present moment.... You are good if you get 3 seconds... We all know the tools, the techniques, but when we try to be in the moment it lasts maybe a few seconds. Before you know it, the radio is playing in the head. Then you try again, and again you might get 3 seconds. I do agree that the real hapinness is in trying, trying 10,000 times. Everytime we fail,we get up and do it again. Once we feel like we can't try no more, that there is no hope, then get up and try it again. 10,000 times... Love the path, not the final destination... Love the trying...
Great... I totally agree with that. It really is about the path. However, why does it have to be that hard...? Why can't we get to be in the present moment for an hour, or a day, and then fail and try it again...? The answer is quite simple, really... We need to keep trying every moment... We can't afford not to strive for the present moment for an hour or a day. We need to try, try, try... Moment after moment... That's what keeps our true self alive...

11:00 PM

Class was... I feel... The day was... If you are interesting in connecting with the present moment just ask your self a simple question all the time:                            
               " What is my relationship with the present moment...?"

Are you accepting it...? Do you see it as an enemy...? Is it an obstacle to something bigger...? Do you love it...? Stop and look at it. Look deeply into the present moment, see the answer. The question and the answer will make you just that; present and aware... You will get your 3 seconds... Enjoy...

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Day 39

10:00 AM

We all want to know ourselves. To find ourselves. How do you really do that...? Going back in the past and remembering all the things that happened, reliving old emotions, digging the cause of those emotions, counseling sessions, all of these things are good to know. However, this only reveals your content, things that made you the way you are now. Your past... This doesn't reveal who you are. Who YOU are...
How do you see yourself...? Your experience of yourself will determine what is important in your life, and only the things that are important will have an influence on you. Only those things can really bother you. Things that bother us can be used as the criteria of how well we really know ourselves. If you ask yourself a question:

           " What are the things that trouble me and disrupt my peace...?"

When you think about it, you will find that a lot of little things get you upset. We are all like that, if we make a list, the list would be full of little things. Now, if little things have the power to disrupt your peace, you are just that - LITTLE... There is nothing big about you... What are those little things...? Everything... Nothing on the outside is big, because it is all impermanent...

You can say that the most important thing in your life is the path, wisdom, peace. You can say I am awake and aware and walking the path... Then something will happen, money loss, accident, failure at work, argument with your partner, and all you will be thinking about will be that negative something that just happened. You will talk about it, blame whoever, get aggressive, defend yourself... Just like that, "the walking the path" you, is out of the window. Does the negative situation becomes more important...? Yes it does, but only to that LITTLE you... The BIG you is still walking the path...

What are you LITTLE or BIG....?

2:00 PM

A wise man wins an expensive car on the lottery. His family and friends were very happy for him: " Isn't that nice...? You are so lucky...", they said. The wise man smiled and replied: "Maybe..." For some time the wise man enjoyed the car, driving around all the time. One day a drunk driver hits his new car on the highway, and the wise man ends up in the hospital with multiple injuries. His family and friends come over to visit him and said: " Oh how unlucky you are..." The wise man smiles again and says: "Maybe..." While he was at the hospital, a landslide destroyed his house. His entire house ended up in the ocean. The next day his friends and family came over again and said: "Oh you are so lucky that you were in the hospital and not at home..." The wise man answered again: "Maybe..."
Maybe... The man doesn't complain, stress, or cry about any of the events. He just accept them as they are. He is not lucky or unlucky... He is maybe this or maybe that, and maybe he is none of it. He accepts the things as they are, good or bad, lucky or unlucky. Why...? Because he knows there is a higher purpose to all of it. To our simple mind it looks as absolute disaster, but to a higher self it makes perfect sense. It is exactly what needs to be happening in your life. Even the worst situations. All one has to do is be aware, and look for a higher purpose in everything. Whatever happens, however bad it feels, just smile and be patient... Feel good knowing that the higher purpose is getting closer... Don't fight it... Accept it... Accept it and keep walking...

11:00

Tomorrow is day 40... Who would have thought that I would do 40 yoga classes in a row... By the way, I had a great class today. The day itself was great... Yeah I know, what is great...? Dualism... I agree. Still, I feel great...

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Day 38

10:00 AM

Outside temperature is above 0 degrees. It has been months since the last time the temperature went over freezzing point. As I have said before, winter is the perfect time for the spirit. Constantly gray clouds, cold, windy, every day the same. Really challenges you to rise above the outside condition and feel as is you were on Fiji Islands... Every day we wake up, we face the test; are we going to rise above and live on Fiji Islands, or we are staying down, letting the outside conditions dictate our inner world. In reality, there is no difference betweenn living on the sunny island or living on top of snowy mountain. You inside world is the same... Always be above your small self, your ego, mind... Realize the fact that they are not real you, don't identify with them and don't let them control you. Be present at all times, constantly connected with the moment that you are in. When an old emotion comes up, pay attention to it, observe it and see where it leads. Embrace the old emotion, and use it to learn and grow. Don't give you Ego the satisfaction of acting upon the emotion, thus making your Ego even stronger and your real self less present. You can never get rid of your mind, or your Ego, but you can step aside and observe them. See their patterns, feel the emotion they cause in you, feel the old emotions and where are they dragging you. Observe, observe, observe... Be fully present, be a master... Fiji Islands...

2:00 PM

Amazing... I talked about it yesterday. The importance of getting to class in time, grounding and focusing. Unwinding a little bit before the class, leaving it all outside the room. Knowing all that, armed with focus and determination, I walked into the studio at 9:25... Five minutes before the class, rushing again... Just amazing...
Solid class... 38th in a row... Hey I am almost half way...

11:00 PM

Attachment... We are all attached to something. People, things, places, feelings, always attached. We need it, it is ours, and when we loose it, we suffer. Actually, first we suffer until we get what we want, then once we have it, we suffer in fear of loosing it. It never ends...
Attachment is the source of, more or less, all suffering... It is deeply connected with our Ego, and our false "I". It begins with the " Me, Mine" attitude. It is my car, my phone, my house, my friend... Mine... If I loose my phone I will feel bad and suffer. For an hour, 10 hours, 10 days, I will suffer... Now if another person has the same phone, and looses it, am I going to suffer...? Of course not. It is still the same phone, the same loosing situation, but the difference is the "Mine" part. We are attached to it, we feel like its part of us, so when we loose it its like loosing a part of us. Is it a life changing thing...? Are we going to die without it...? No, of course not, it is just a phone... However, it is "Mine"...
We do the same thing with people. We attach ourselves to our partners, friends, parents... We feel like we need them. How many times have you heard:" I can't imagine living without her/him..." Attachment... If you need someone, then you don't really love them. You think you do, but that's your Ego, your false "I" being attached to the person. When you truly love someone, you just love them. You don't need them. You are perfectly fine by yourself, but you love them with all your heart. The fact that they are in your life, or not, does not matter... You just love... Seing them every day, or once a year, makes no difference, you still love them with all your being. They don't need to be there for you all the time, close to you, on your side. You don't need them... Love them...

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Day 37

10:00 AM

Class number 37 almost didn't happen today. I walked into the studio at the last moment. That would be something, because I had things to do after the class, so I wouldn't be able to take a later one. My journey almost interrupted... Class was solid, I guess. Nothing special, considering the fact that I had to rush through everything. It really makes a difference showing up early for a class, taking time to get ready, spending some time in the yoga room before the class begins, relaxing into the mat and the floor. If you arrive early, you have time to make the class into an experience, not just a workout. Leave all your problems, meetings, errands, stress, outside the door. Once in the room, turn inward. Focus only on the self, the mat and the floor under you. Feel yourself becoming more grounded and relaxed. Breathe and connect... Devote those 90 minutes only to your true self... Make a vow to yourself that the breath will be the only thing existing in the room... Then when the teacher comes in, just get up and flow....

2:00

What is the most important thing in life? Health...? Happiness...? Family...? All of these things are a vital part of one's life. Still, there is one thing that top all of them... VISION... Life is all about different visions. Whatever our visions are, that's what our life is...
You can do everything... Everything is possible. There is no limit to what you can do. Only if you are able to visualize it. To see it before it actually happens. If you can feel your vision in your being, as if it's already here, it will manifest in your life. Guaranteed... Perfect relationship, family, happiness, health, visualize all these as being perfect and that's what they will be. House, job, money, cars, again visualize like you already have them all, feel them in your hands, generate the feeling as if you have it all, and they will also manifest in your life... Tune in on the desired frequency, and just be patient...

What is the worst thing you can do in life...? One thing that destroys it all... More powerful than the strongest vision... DOUBT... It is so strong that most of the time we are not even aware of it. We will doubt something or somebody and won't even know we are doing it. Doubt is the main reason why we are not reaching any goal we can think of... You can be the president of the country. However, you are not... The first reason is that you don't have a vision to be one, and the second reason is that you highly doubt that you could ever be the president. You want something, visualize it.... Feel it... And its yours.... As soon as you let that voice of doubt in, the vision is over. It will never happen... Most of the time you will not even try it. It will just stay as " I wish I have..." or " If only I..."
Open yourself to the universe and visualize with full heart... Visualize so strong and pure, that doubt will have no room to enter... Don't ask how and when, just visualize... And be patient...

11:00 PM

Another day... 63 left... Painful knees and lower back. Embrace it, and go to class. Don't let bad knees and lower back become your vision. Don't doubt your perfection. Embrace it... Because that's what you are. Perfect...

Monday, February 14, 2011

Day 36

10:00 AM

Yoga class is really a unique experience, but only if you breathe. If you struggle with your breath, gasping for air, it can be really painful. Breathing mindfully will help you rise above the yoga postures, the heat, the stretch, the pain... My goal for today's class was to totally focus on breathing. All my will power and energy directed into inhale and exhale. Regardless of my postures, energy, heat, just full light on the breathing. The truth is, keeping my attention on the inhale and exhale is harder than any yoga posture. My penthouse tenant was jumping into my focus all the time. Still, for a certain period of time I was able to breathe... Maybe for the first time, really breathe... That part of the class was pure, clear, full lungs. It felt like I wasn't really doing the class. Like I was just the one that was breathing, and somebody else was there doing the yoga postures. At one point, during the eagle pose, when the teacher said to just freeze and hold, I felt like everything just stopped. For a second there, it was absolute peace... I wish I can explain the feeling... In one moment, focus, energy, balance, fatigue, they were all gone... There was nothing there. Empty... Only for a moment...
Naturally, as the class went on my attention to breathing was getting weaker. I was getting tired and my mind was taking over. Not all the way, but he had the upper hand. It is only "normal". However, I have tasted the empty at least for a second. I felt it, and I will continue to follow it. Follow my breath with all my heart, with full lungs, like my life depends on it, and one day that one moment will become ME...

2:00 PM

" Every day you mold you energy. Moment by moment, you are constantly                     molding your energy... And that becomes your reality..."

Heard that from a teacher in class today. It has been in my head all day. Another great quote, truly wise and inspirational. If one can think about this constantly, always have it somehow in front of the eyes, life would be so different. You are the sculptor of your reality... You make everything, good and bad... Nothing is coincidence or bad luck. You mold your energy, you mold your experience, situations, people, life...
How are you molding your energy right now...? Are you molding peace, happiness, harmonious sounds...? Or you are molding anger, doubt, jealousy and dark clouds...? These are the questions we should ask ourselves every day, every hour. Let this be your inner dialog. Then, and only then, you will mold perfect shapes... Peace and happiness will follow you like a shadow...
One has to keep this in his mind. Has to be constantly reminded of it, has to live it... Again, we should change our greetings to one another:

" Hi how are you?"  into  "Hi what are you thinking?"

" What's been going on with you?"  into " How are you molding your energy today...?"

11:00 PM

Yoga, meditation, chanting, prayer, bowing, all those things are great for one's life. It doesn't matter which one you do, as long as you do it with honest heart and pure thought... Your life will change in many ways, you will change... But you have to do it consistently. All the time, or its not going to work. Like my Zen Master likes to say " It is like a car engine. You have to tune it all the time, or its not going to work properly..." Don't waist time. Get up and do it. Tune, tune, tune... 10,000 times... Make it perfect...

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Day 35

10:00 AM

New challenge... Like I said I feel like I need to build on my journey. This challenge has been lurking in my mind for a while now. The same way this whole journey was sneaking into my mind for weeks before I actually started it. This challenge is the same. Waking up early... Really early, every day. Wake up and sit. Very simple, just sit and breathe... Every day... I don't have any particular reason to wake up at that time, I don't have to go to work early in the morning, I don't have kids, I can do all the things I need during the day. Still, I have a strong urge to start a day when most of us are sleeping. To experience that early rising silence, to challenge my mind once again. Sleeping is our mind's favorite. The mind loves sleeping, it is never enough. Our body needs 7 or 8 hours, sometimes even less, but our mind can go for ever. Create another battle field between my true self and the mind. Wake up every day while it is still dark outside. Hear the screaming in my head when I wake up: " Stay in bed, what in the world are you doing...?" or the most common one: " Why don't you just stay in bed this morning, get some rest, and we start all this tomorrow when you are more prepared...?" Hear the screaming, loud and clear, and then get up and go... The servant is complaining... The master is awake with the mala in his hands, all the way to 108...

2:00 PM

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him..."
                                                                                
                                                                         Buddha

This is it...  Buddha realized it years and years ago, and it still stands. Clear, direct message to every human being. Our whole life can be summed up into this quote. You live by it, you can say that you have a life... You don't, you are already dead. You never lived in a first place... 
What is in our head? What are we thinking about? That is the beginning of everything. The beginning of life itself. Everything else just follows the initial thought. Emotions, feelings, direction, attitude, it all begins with a thought. I think we should change the way we talk to each other every day. Instead of saying " Hi, how are you?" we should be saying "Hi, what are you thinking?" Constantly reminding each other of our thoughts. See the thoughts at all times, observe and control them. Always know the truth; they are not real, they are just thoughts....
Once you are able to observe and embrace your thoughts, your speech and actions will always be pure. Your mind, your Ego, will also become a part of the truth. They are not real, they are just mind and Ego... Let your true self talk a little bit. Just for a little while, for once in your life. Maybe it has something interesting to say. Listen to it, and follow it... Then your life will become life... The more you are able to turn off the radio in your head, and listen to your inner music, the closer you will be to happiness. Real inner happiness that is buried deep inside each and every one of us... The happiness that will follow you like a shadow... Nothing but harmonious sounds every moment, every second of life...

11:00 PM

35 days over... Very good class today. Energy and focus on the highest level. I told you that the sun was coming. That's why one should love the rain as much, if not more, as the sun. Be open and happy when its raining. Love every part of it. You have to love it because of what follows... The sun... We all love the sun. That's easy. Love the rain, truly love it and be grateful, then there will be no rain nor the sun... It will all be One...

Day 35

10:00 AM

New challenge... Like I said I feel like I need to build on my journey. This challenge has been lurking in my mind for a while now. The same way this whole journey was sneaking into my mind for weeks before I actually started it. This challenge is the same. Waking up early... Really early, every day. Wake up and sit. Very simple, just sit and breathe... Every day... I don't have any particular reason to wake up at that time, I don't have to go to work early in the morning, I don't have kids, I can do all the things I need during the day. Still, I have a strong urge to start a day when most of us are sleeping. To experience that early rising silence, to challenge my mind once again. Sleeping is our mind's favorite. The mind loves sleeping, it is never enough. Our body needs 7 or 8 hours, sometimes even less, but our mind can go for ever. Create another battle field between my true self and the mind. Wake up every day while it is still dark outside. Hear the screaming in my head when I wake up: " Stay in bed, what in the world are you doing...?" or the most common one: " Why don't you just stay in bed this morning, get some rest, and we start all this tomorrow when you are more prepared...?" Hear the screaming, loud and clear, and then get up and go... The servant is complaining... The master is awake with the mala in his hands, all the way to 108...

2:00 PM

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him..."
                                                                                  
                                                                         Buddha

This is it...  Buddha realized it years and years ago, and it still stands. Clear, direct message to every human being. Our whole life can be summed up into this quote. You live by it, you can say that you have a life... You don't, you are already dead. You never lived in a first place... 
What is in our head? What are we thinking about? That is the beginning of everything. The beginning of life itself. Everything else just follows the initial thought. Emotions, feelings, direction, attitude, it all begins with a thought. I think we should change the way we talk to each other every day. Instead of saying " Hi, how are you?" we should be saying "Hi, what are you thinking?" Constantly reminding each other of our thoughts. See the thoughts at all times, observe and control them. Always know the truth; they are not real, they are just thoughts....
Once you are able to observe and embrace your thoughts, your speech and actions will always be pure. Your mind, your Ego, will also become a part of the truth. They are not real, they are just mind and Ego... Let your true self talk a little bit. Just for a little while, for once in your life. Maybe it has something interesting to say. Listen to it, and follow it... Then your life will become life... The more you are able to turn off the radio in your head, and listen to your inner music, the closer you will be to happiness. Real inner happiness that is buried deep inside each and every one of us... The happiness that will follow you like a shadow... Nothing but harmonious sounds every moment, every second of life...

11:00 PM

35 days over... Very good class today. Energy and focus on the highest level. I told you that the sun was coming. That's why one should love the rain as much, if not more, as the sun. Be open and happy when its raining. Love every part of it. You have to love it because of what follows... The sun... We all love the sun. Thats easy. Love the rain, truly love it and be grateful, then there will be no rain nor the sun... It will all be One...

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Day 34

10:00 AM

I have to mark this day in my calendar. Class number 34, an early morning one. What a class... Without a doubt, the worst yoga class that I can remember; not only during this journey, but since I started doing yoga. It was upside down from the beginning to the end. I had to rush to practice because I had things to do, then I had to leave as soon as it was over, again because I had things to take care of. Excuses, excuses... Even with all the rush and hassle, you can have a calm, focused mind. You can be an ocean during the storm; while the storm is raging on the surface, it is absolute peace under the water. Nothing should disturb the peace... I sure wasn't an ocean this morning. Nowhere near it... Balance off, determination nonexistent, just going through the motion... No middle way, no harmonious music. Absolute mental and physical garbage. Waist of time...
Now what do you do...? Nothing, you wake up and go to class again. Embrace the bad class with open arms, and learn from it. You needed it, you asked for it, so use it... Grow, keep walking the path, keep looking up, never turning back. Its just a rainy day... Sun will rise tomorrow...

2:00 PM

Being on this journey I have noticed one thing. My will and determination for the higher purpose in life is increasing every day. I can feel the urge to build on during my journey.  In the past I would do all these practices and meditations right from the start. I would have the entire spiritual path mapped out, and then just follow it. Kind of like the way they do at the zen center. However, now I keep adding new practices along the way. The first step was the yoga classes every day... Then the cravings... Natural body awakening... Now my light is shinning on the inward discipline. Following the eightfold path fully. Mindfulness... Becoming one with the floor and the meditation cushion. Becoming one with the Mala and 108 beads... Get into it deeper than ever before. Really see how far down the rabbit hole I can go. Do it gradually, of course, like I have been travelling on this journey. Strengthen my inward discipline, make it rock solid. But do it the middle way. No straining, harmonious music only... Baby steps...

11:00 AM

Its Saturday night.... Who in the world would sit in front of the computer on a Saturday night...? And blog. Not me....

Friday, February 11, 2011

Day 33

10:00 a.m.

Middle way... Middle way is a clear path to wisdom. Clear path to life, love, happiness. Middle way is also a path to a fulfilling yoga journey, a path to healthy knees...

"The Middle Way is a dynamic teaching as shown by the traditional story that the Buddha realized the meaning of the Middle Way when he sat by a river and heard a lute player in a passing boat and understood that the lute string must be tuned neither too tight nor too loose to produce a harmonious sound. If the strings are too tight they will snap, if they are too loose, the lute will not play." 


Buddha realised this five thousand years ago, I realised it today with the help of a friend. You search for wisdom, perfect relationship, life situation, your answer is the middle way; not too loose, not too tight. You want healthy knees, middle way is your answer... My knees are sore, and so far my answer to it was suck it up and keep pushing. Too tight... Not a middle way. If you feel pain in certain postures just back off a little. Modify it... Not a big deal. It is just a posture. Listen to your body screaming, your body wants the middle way. It doesn't mean you quit, you just adjust to a present moment. Like water flowing around a rock... 
My knees are sore. Suck it up and push through it, the lute will not play... Back off and adjust, nothing but a harmonious sound... 
Thank you miss K....


2:00 PM


The class went well today. Number 33... I made adjustments on the postures that were causing my knees to hurt. Of course, the pain in the knees was not there during the class. The pressure on my knees was lower. I still have to wait and see if this will help... Somehow I am sure that it will. 
This middle way thing is the key. One has to be able to sit back, relax, and see the middle way in everything. There is no need to push yourself to the point of snapping. Sometimes doing less means more. Sometimes being patient is more valuable than pure action. Sit back and relax... Listen... You have to listen. Listen to the signs, to silent advice, listen to people, and you will get a glimpse of the middle way. If I didn't listen to my friend today, I would still be sucking it up and pushing. Still playing the lute with no sound. Moment by moment getting closer to snapping... Listen and you might even hear something...


11:00 PM


I am tired... Long day today... Just like any other... Great. Wouldn't have it any other way... It is time to



Thursday, February 10, 2011

Day 32

10:00 AM

My knees are sore this morning. More than before... I felt both of them as soon as I woke up. Oh yeah, I woke up at 7.15, by the way. Just to throw it out there... I asked the teachers about it, and they all say it normal to feel that way after 30 consecutive practices. The knees are changing on the inside, realigning, and the pain is normal. It will go away... The good thing is that both of my knees hurt the same, so I know its not an injury. I heard one of the teachers say that, during the teachers training, they would see people with ice packs on their knees. It is really an unknown land for my body, so it has to go through a painful phase before it settles into a new environment. As long as it stays just sore, and it doesn't become, as they like to call it, red flag pain. During the class I don't really feel it, its more in the evening and in the morning. Maybe I should take a day off, to give my knees a break... Yeah right... Suck it up...

2:00 PM

I came across a very interesting story today. I was talking to a friend of mine, and she pointed out this yoga book, where they had some really interesting thoughts about yoga. Really interesting... At first, I thought it was just an old way of thinking. The old times, old attitudes and values... However, the more I think about it, the more I start to agree with it, in a way...

" In the old days in India, yoga was considered an esoteric practice suitable for monks, sadhus, and sannyasis, but not for the householder, who might lose all worldly interest, and abandon his family by undertaking the practice..."

How about that...? Old way of thinking. Nowadays is just different. We are different now, so this can't apply. Really...?

First of all, we are not different than the people from the ancient times. We were supposed to be more civilized, smarter, open, in touch with the world around.  Supposed to be... In reality we are exactly the same, in some cases even worse. Our connection with the world around us is nonexistent. We are smart enough to build anything, but even smarter to destroy it. Open and civilized, yeah... Today we just have better cell phones.... There is truth in this statement. True yoga is moving meditation, capturing the moment. It paves the road to real life, universal love, one energy... It teaches one how to live a life in one single breath, it constantly reminds us of the most important lesson: "Don't forget to breathe..."  Just like meditation, yoga is a limitless practice, with enormous benefits... On the other side, spiritual practice, both yoga and meditation, is usually a narrow road that fits only one person. Greatest yogis and zen masters are single people. Your love for people increases greatly, your compassion rises every day, you glow with positive energy, but this path is still a car with one seat. Spiritual practice is a road heading inward, deep inside the self, and usually you can't take two or more people on that trip. And slowly, without ever wanting or noticing , you isolate yourself in a way. Not so much physically, but mentally. The deeper down the rabbit hole you go, the more you start to see the truth, the way, the self. You start to see how upside down our world actually is. You still swim in the same ocean as you did before, but your eyes are more open now. You get to feel people, not just see them... Feel them drowning in their own ocean, feel them trying to swim as hard as they can. And your heart is full of love for all of them, so you reach out to everyone. You try to take their hand and help them swim. You are not a good swimmer yourself, but you know a little bit at this point. At least how to float on the water... So you try. You arm yourself with love and compassion, and you reach out... Soon you realize that most of the people don't want to learn to swim. They like drowning. You start to feel that these same people are dragging you down to the bottom of the ocean. No matter what you try, their eyes do not open. They like them closed... Eventually you let go. You swim back to your own ocean, and continue on the narrow road. Alone... You love those closed eyes, and you are there for all of them, but you enter the rabbit hole by yourself...

11:00 PM

What did I blog about today... Is it true? False? I don't know. Dooooon't knooooooow.... Like a mantra. So why even blog? Why even go to yoga tomorrow? I don't know... I do know one thing. I am going to yoga tomorrow...

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Day 31

10:00 AM

I set a record this morning. You know, my waking up challenge... The only thing is that the record is for the latest natural wake up time. It was like 9.30 when I woke up. The morning before I was up at 7.20, but not today. Don't really know why, I did go to sleep late, then again I went to sleep even later before. I guess I can blame it on the body.
When you think about it, why does it matter what time do you wake up. I mean time is an illusion anyway, so what difference does it make if you wake up at 7 or at noon...?  I don't really buy into that whole myth that if you wake up early you are a hard working person, and if you wake up late you are lazy. Somehow it does matter, though... I don't know if it is in the mind, but personally I feel more energized, more productive, when I start my day early. Waking up early, one has a change to enjoy the day before it really starts. Being awake when most of the world is sleeping was always a powerful feeling for me. It is also another challenge for the penthouse tenant, because he loves to sleep in. Loves to be lazy, to drag around, to waste time...
Waking up in the morning you can get things done. As the day starts to roll over, you have to do this, have to do that, go here, go there. It really doesn't give you a lot of time to get your things done. To work on yourself, to breathe and just be in the moment. Early mornings are a perfect setting for the self improvement. Slowly, slowly I am getting there... Except this morning...

2:00 PM

My friend left a comment here today asking what changes do I notice within myself since I have started the journey. Very good question. She always asks good questions...
I haven't really thought about it, but one thing is for sure. My ability to sit back, calm down, and rationalize, before making a step is on a higher level. Of course, I still get angry, upset, my mind holds inner dialog as usual, but my reaction is not the same. I am able to see into it before it takes control over me, and make me react. I am able to sit back for a moment, look at the inner dialog from the side, and then rationally make a decision. I wouldn't call it calmer, just more aware of the fact that it is the inner mind voice, and that it might not be true. Aware of the fact that the inner voice, anger, stress, need to be analyzed before responding, or making a step. Not really analyzed, but just looked at... To become an observer of the self, and the process that goes on within. Bring that light of the awareness, see the true nature of your inner dialog, anger, and then make a decision...
The second change is the "me, my,  mine..." thing. It is not so powerful. Its still there, but its not as strong as it used to be. My way of doing things... If he or she is not doing it my way, they are wrong. Why is my way correct...? My what....? We don't really know who we are, but we stand by this "my" as if our life depends on it. My house.... My husband/wife... My boyfriend/girlfriend... My...They are not mine. I love them, and take care of them, but they are not mine. They are just, "they"... No attachment... No suffering. You still care and love fully, but you are not attached. You love a person, but you don't need them. If they leave, they leave. Everything comes and goes, people and places, emotions, love... If you put them all into "MY" basket, suffering is inevitable... They are not yours, there is no your way... There is no you....
I am a mile away from this experience, of course, but I have made some baby steps towards it... So what else is there to do than celebrate the progress...

11:00 PM

One full month of yoga classes... Every single day... I really get the full benefits of my unlimited membership at the yoga studio. That is really something. The fact that I have 69 days left makes it nothing, but it is something... I don't even have thoughts about it. It is strange. I never think about it. I just go to class, no checking... So what have you been doing for the past month... Nothing, going to yoga... You...?

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Day 30

10:00 AM

Early morning class. It was a tough one. The beginning was clear and focused, then somewhere in the middle it became a struggle. Internal dialog was fully present, my mind was in the mean state... It lasted for about 10 min and then I got back into focus. Finished the class on a good note. I wonder what happens in our head, inside of ourselves, so we fall into these states of mind. Just like that, for no reason at all. Is it the fact that we can't handle feeling great all the time...? We need something bad, something negative, just for a little while, so we can feel alive again... Most of us, subconsciously, enjoy feeling bad. It sounds crazy but its true. Sad movies, sad songs, we enjoy watching and listening. We realize we feel sad, our memories resurface, memories that make us feel bad, but we like it all. If we didn't like it, we would quit watching, quit listening... To make things worse, sometimes we will have a bad day, come home and put on these songs, watch movies, and get even deeper into our misery. As unbelievable as it sounds, we enjoy feeling bad sometimes...
We choose  to feel bad... The same way we choose to feel good... We choose all the time, from the moment we open our eyes 'till the moment we close them... Always choosing...

2:00 PM

What frequency are you on...? Simple question that we need to ask ourselves every day. We are like a radio, functioning on a different frequency all the time. The same way we set our radio to a certain frequency to listen to our favorite music, we need to set ourselves the same way if we want something. You want true love...? Set your frequency then. Feel good all the time, love all around you, feel loved by all, enjoy every moment of your life. Live like you are deeply in love, have that feeling in your chest like its already there. Grasp it fully, even though its not there yet. Basically, live on the frequency of love. And you will have it.... Guaranteed...
You want to have success. Envision it... Feel it inside of you, breath success even though it is not here yet. Have no doubt, as soon as you have doubts it all comes down crashing. Only positive and forward. It is all positive anyway right...? Apply yourself fully to the desired goal, and look beyond the completion. Never ask the question how are you going to do it. It will be taken care of by itself. All you have to do is get yourself on the right frequency, and seize the moment...
Feeling bad...? Things not going your way...? Can't do anything right lately...? No problem... Just check your frequency...

11:00 PM

30 days in the books... Today, Dr Cartman's blog reached 1000 pageviews... Not bad for a cat. Not bad at all... Here is a little present for everyone, just a little thank you from your doctor:



Monday, February 7, 2011

Day 29

10:00 AM

" It is easier to act yourself into a better way of feeling, than to feel yourself                                       into a better way of action..."

We don't really find good quotes, even if we look for them. They find us, at the right moment, and at the right place. I ran across this quote the other day, and all I could do is smile. This quote should have been the opening chapter for this journey. This is exactly what this journey is: acting, doing, and then slipping into a better feeling. Better life, better you.... Usually we all try to feel good, or better, before we embark on a journey, or before we start a project. "It's not a good time for me now, I don't feel like doing it... My head is not into in now..." We have to feel good in order to jump. Our head needs to be clear, focused and ready to go. Then we jump.... Nevertheless, in most cases clearing up our head, and getting focused last too long. Long enough for us to give up and forget about our journey. Before we know it, it is all gone. The ship has sailed, and we stayed on the shore. Time goes by, and we are still at the same spot. Our dreams, our journey, our visions...? We are still waiting to feel good, and then we are going to live 'em all... And we wait.... And wait... Then, one day we look back, and this becomes our reality:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fu6DfMlGkqc&feature=related

Get up and do it... Whatever it is. Don't stop to check how you feel, just jump... Following your dream, your journey, will make you feel great. Its the only way. Do it now, this second, don't wait another minute. Breathe with full lungs, your time is now....

2:00 PM

Celebrate and love people. Love them all. Not just your friends and family. I mean how hard is that...? Where is the higher value in that...? To love people that love you, and care about you... Anyone can do that. How about the kid who made your life miserable in school? How about the love of your life, who left you?  A friend who betrayed you? People who mistreated you at work? Can you truly love them...?
These people you have to love even more. It sounds crazy and impossible, but its true. These "enemies", together with their actions, are here to help you more than your own parents did. They will shape you as a being, they will make you grow... On a deeper level you chose them to enter your life, and to do these painful things to you. You invite them into your life, so they can test you, and your true self. Your reaction to these individuals, and their actions, will determine who you are. Are you going to hate all of them, and become a victim, or you are going to realize the truth, love them all, and become a master...? Every person that enters our life, is there for a reason. A good and positive reason. The outside might look extremely negative, but the inside is nothing but positive. You just have to open your eyes and see it... Live your life like the donkey in "Donkey and the farmer" story:


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The jackass cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.  Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited his neighbors to come over and help him.  They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.  At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.  Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.  He was astonished at what he saw.  With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer and his neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.  Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, lots of dirt!


Welcome the dirt, and use it to go up... All the way to the top.... 


11:00 PM


Yesterday the best class of the journey, today one of the worst... Low energy, extremely hot, mind screaming in my head... Lots of dirt all over me... Well, let me shake it off, so I can be out of the well... 29th class, a bad one... Thank you I needed it...

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Day 28

10:00 AM

If you like to read check out "Getting Things Done" by David Allen. Really great book for both professional and personal life. As the title says, the book is about getting things done. It simplifies the whole process, so we don't have to feel overwhelmed by all the things we need to do. It is clearly possible to have a successful career, a family, tons of commitments and obligations, and still be able to manage it all with a relaxed, clear mind. Most of the time we have all these things we need to do, we even write it down, but still we end up forgetting or doing everything the last moment. Even though we believe that we perform best under the pressure, that we get things done on the end of the day, we stress about it. Once we finish the project, we feel good, we got it done. The stress is gone... Is it...? Where does that stress go...? Every time we get angry, argue, loose our temper, where does it go...? Scream, go for a walk, a run, talk about it and make up, are some of the tools we believe help us relieve the stress. Push it out, clear our head and we are good to go... Yeah right. You wish...
In reality, the stress, anger, it doesn't go anywhere. It stays right here with us. It just gets buried deep into our subconsciousness, pushed in so deep, that we think its out. It stays there, dormant and quiet, until similar situation doesn't come up again. Then it comes out with full force, twice stronger than it was last time.
Getting Things Done is written mostly for the corporate world, but it can be easily applied into our personal life. Being highly productive, creative, and ambitious, while staying grounded and calm. It teaches you how to get into the driver seat. How to put a leash on our mind, and use it the way we want to. The book gives clear pointers on how to stop being a servant and become a master... As they quote in the book: "The mind is a terrible master, but a great servant..." Who do you want to be....?

2:00 PM

28th class in a row and I finally experienced it. I was waiting for a class like this since the day I started this journey. It was the best class so far... My postures were the same as usual, maybe I did better on a few. The whole experience was great. The energy was just bursting out of my body, I could have done 3 classes in a row. The heat wasn't there, the fatigue wasn't there, the sore knees were, but I found myself enjoying the pain. I could feel that I was breathing with full lungs, savoring every moment of practice. My mind was working, of course, but it was in the distance. I didn't care or pay attention to it. Balancing, stretching, flexing, breathing... I can finally say that I had a glimpse of my first real yoga class. If one can manage to feel like this during every class, or even better, in everyday life, it is worth 1000 days of yoga in a row. The feeling lasted after the class too... Great evening truly, it lasted all the way to the car.... I was surprised that it lasted even that long, to be honest. Usually mind takes over as soon as one leaves the yoga room, or as soon as the teacher leaves the room. I never thought that yoga can bring these experiences, it truly is moving meditation....
January 28th.... 28th class in a row... Finally a small glimpse of real life... Finally alive...

11:00 PM

I am going to remember this Sunday. Build on it. Attract more of the same. One day this experience will last the entire day, week, month, year. The only difference is that then, there will be no day, week, month, year... Time will become what it really is. An illusion... This experience will be nothing special, just a normal experience. That is the whole point, this IS a normal experience for an average person. This is how we are supposed to feel every day, at work, at home, while driving, all the time... It shouldn't be a glimpse, it should be an eternity. Of course, we need to deal with the penthouse tenant first. He can't be evicted just like that... He has strong connections inside the building. He knows all the powerful people that live in the building. He will do everything possible not to become a servant... The mind knows that he is a great servant, and that we will love his new role. However, being a servant means moving into the lower part of the building, and he loves the penthouse.... Loves to be the master...

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Day 27

10:00 AM

Early class again. My body is sore, especially my knees. Being out of the comfort zone hurts... Like I said, I notice the change in my body, I notice that I can go deeper and push myself more, so I go for it. It feels good to test your limits, both mental and physical... At this point my body feels like it felt at the very beginning. And it is my 27th class. Yoga is truly amazing practice, you can do it million times, and still feel like you are just starting... For some reason, I can never remember how my practice was a month ago, or even a week ago. Its like you can't go into the past when it comes to yoga. I really can't remember my half moon pose a month ago. It looks to me that I go deeper, but maybe I am the same. Every class feels like the first one. That's the beauty of it, there is no starting point, there is no finish line in yoga... Just hold, balance, flex, stretch and breathe.... What a life....

2:00 PM

Go for it... That's all there is to it. Whatever you intend to do, whatever feels like your thing, go for it... You can do just bits of it at the beginning, it doesn't matter, those bits and pieces will get you to the real thing. Every single one of us is an expert in procrastinating... Next week, next month, new year resolution, next Monday. Sounds familiar...? Cut it all off. If your goal is to run a 5k marathon, start with a walk to your kitchen.... Don't try to find the best training plan, the best nutrition plan, just walk to the kitchen. Then the next day walk to the kitchen and back. Then to the elevator. Down the stairs. To the store. To the park. Run to the store. Run to the park. Run around the park, and back home. Keep running... 5k completed... Only doing it will get you to do it. I doesn't matter how much and what are you doing, just do it. Why...? Simple because doing attracts what...? More doing. If you want to achieve something you have to walk the walk. Talking about it, thinking about it, being motivated to do it, is not going to cut it. You have to jump in order to land somewhere else. If you don't jump you will stay at the same place. Complaining, but staying in the same place.  Just jump, and while in the air, thousands of avenues will open up for you...

11:00 PM

Snowing again tonight... It was a day today... Don't forget to


Don't procrastinate.... Just brush it...:)

Friday, February 4, 2011

Day 26

10:00 AM

Still waking up naturally. So far I usually wake up between 7.30 and 7.50, depending on the time I go to sleep. I find it easier to wake up naturally, than with the alarm. It feels more like a choice, not an obligation... That's what its all about, choosing. Choose how to feel, choose how to react, what path to follow, when to wake up, choose to be happy or not... It is all a choice. We make choices every day, we want it or not. Most of the time we are not even aware of it. When something happens that we don't like, we blame other people, environment, life itself... Everything and everybody, but ourselves. In reality, it is all our choice. Even the worse things that happen to us, things that we never wanted to happen, they are a choice... We invited them into our life. Whatever is going on in our life right now, we have invited. One way or the other, it is our choice. We constantly make our own sandwiches, and on the end of the day, we will eat them. It doesn't matter if we like our sandwiches or not, we will eat them...
Choose... Be smart and careful about it... Pay attention what kind of sandwiches you put in your lunch box...

2:00 PM

                   " Celebrate any progress, don't wait to get perfect..."

This is one of the best quotes I have read in a long time. Inspiration in its true sense. If one can follow this quote, there would be no limit to what one can achieve... So simple, give your best in everything you do, and celebrate any little progress. Don't wait for the final result so you can look back, and then celebrate and feel good about it. Celebrate every day, every step of your progress. Love the journey not the final result... Live this quote, make it your mantra, and you will sit on top of the world. Whatever world that might be... Living this quote will only bring more good and more progress into your life. Why...? Simply because you are celebrating... Every day, every moment. You feel good. The more you feel good, the better your life will be. Feeling good will attract more good. If we celebrate often, we will attract more things for us to celebrate... So easy, and at the same time so hard for an average human... Just ask that inner question: "How do I feel right now...? Feeling good...? Ok great, keep doing the same...

11:00 AM

You know, after 26 days my cravings are almost non existant. I think about them here and there, but I can't call that a craving. Its just habitual thinking, with no real power to it... I truly thought that winning the battle against my cravings would be the toughest part of this journey. I used to talk to a lot of people who got rid of their unwholesome cravings, and they would all say that it was easy. I always thought: "Yeah right, you say that now..." Honestly, it is not that difficult. Easier than one would ever think... A little bit of focus and pure determination does the trick. Once you realize that none of that has to do with your body, that its all in your head, it becomes quite easy and simple....
Class went well.... 26th in a row... Hamstrings are tight... Energy is ever present... I still don't know why the f*** am I doing this... Good for me, I am at the right place then....

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Day 25

10:00 AM

Defending... Defend, defend,defend... We always defend ourselves, every comment aimed at us we take as a personal attack. Never as a tool to grow, to expand our view.. When the conversation is neutral we can talk forever, relaxed and confident. Once the conversation takes a turn towards us, our energy field changes. Our face gets tense and dark, we talk faster, we become restless, and we are ready to do what we love doing... Attack back. Full force, trying to hurt the other person the best way we can. We don't even hear what the other person is saying about us anymore, all we think about are the persons flaws, and the best way to throw it in their face. Make them feel so bad that they will have to stop talking about us... Then we feel better, we feel on top again... This is rooted so deep inside of us, that we don't even know its happening. It's "normal" for us...
We never realize that the critics we receive are like blessings. We should be thankful when we receive them. Love them, and look forward for more. Hearing negative things about us is like watering the plants. We need them to grow, to shine... Instead of closing in when we hear criticism, we should open our arms and embrace them fully. Take them in, contemplate, process and make the best use of them. Choose not to react. When someone "attacks" you, just stay silent and take it in. Nothing else... Respond later, after processing, but never right away. Grow first...
Defend, defend, defend.... Learn, learn, learn....

2:00 PM

Today's class got me tired.  This time it wasn't even my mind that was tired, I think he already gave up on me quitting this journey.  I was just tired from working hard. Slowly I am getting into these yoga postures. My body is opening up, so I am able to go deeper into postures, stay longer and push harder. My balance has improved a lot, as well as overall flexibility. Everything has improved really, except my hamstrings and lower back. As they love to say there is no limit in yoga, you can always push more, and go deeper. I am at the point now where I try to go harder and deeper every class. I have no clue why... My main focus in yoga has always been the mind, not my body and how far I can push it. I always worked hard during my classes, trying my best, but my mind was still the main subject. Even this journey is a mind journey for me. However, I find myself pushing beyond the limits of my body, constantly getting out of my comfort zone. At first I thought that it was my mind and ego that wants to be the best, and to make huge improvements in practice. I don't think that's the case. If that's the case then I would be interested what everyone else is thinking about my practice, looking around, asking around... But no, none of that. Its still that same pattern for me, get up, drive to yoga, do a class, shower... Nothing has changed in that sense. But I can feel the change when I am in the room. It starts of slow, I am tired, with just enough energy to get me through the class. Then we do the breathing exercise, which is now my favorite part of the class (Oh yeah, that's another change. The breathing exercise, and the posture right after it, I always hated. Couldn't wait to get them out of the way. They were so boooooring.... Now, out of nowhere, they are my absolute favorites...). During the breathing exercise is when it starts. Me being tired is out of the window, and all I want to do is go deep, push, breathe.... Test my limits, both physically and mentally. And it stays like this until the last two postures. I go all out... Then, for some reason, before the second to last posture, I am back tired again. I really have to push myself to finish strong. Its like I get out of zone right before these last two postures. Weird....
This is a new experience for me. Not really having any intention to go all out before the class, but then during class I wake up and charge forward full speed. Great... Now I am all sore and tight again....

11:00 PM

25 days... First quarter of my little yoga game is over. So far my team is winning. Winning little battles, and some big ones as well. I have to admit that we haven't been defeated yet. I still think that my mind is waiting for the second quarter, or even the second half, to bring the big guns of the bench. In the meantime, my team is getting stronger and smarter. Learning new plays and new moves every day. Who knows maybe my mind didn't even bring his big guns for this game. Maybe my big guns are bigger... I so want to believe that, but we all know our penthouse neighbour. He is stronger than life sometimes... And he knows it... The mind knows its power and is not afraid to use it. He just waits for the right moment...

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Day 24

10:00 AM

This morning I woke up 30 minutes earlier than yesterday. Again, without the alarm, trusting my body. Normally we always have a clock close to our bed, or the phone, so when we first open our eyes in the morning, we glance at the clock and continue to sleep. Until the alarm goes off... Now you have to get up. You don't have a choice. So why don't we choose when to wake up...? Let our true self be the alarm... The key is not to have anything in the bedroom. No clock, no phone, nothing. Just the bed and you. Than, when you open your eyes in the morning, you actually have to get up to know the time. Once we are awake enough to wonder about the time, we should get up anyway. Because we are already awake at that point, our body is out of the deep, resting sleep. If we were dead tired, and in absolute need of more sleep, we wouldn't even wake up to check the time. We would be sleeping... Don't let your mind to make a decision of how long you need to sleep, make it yourself. Jump in the driver seat, even in this aspect of your life...
It is a snow storm outside... Snow, snow, snow... What did you expect, its Canada, eh....?

2:00 PM

Not even a snow storm can affect my journey. I still went to class, despite all the snow... Determination is everything... Once we set our mind onto something, truly set it, there is nothing that can shake our focus. No matter what happens, we will make sure we still do what we set out to do. Somehow we find a way, when we need it the most. The question is, why can't we be so focused and determined, all the time. Why does it have to be something high as a yoga journey to wake up the iron will we have...? Washing dishes, cleaning the house, cooking, shaving, they are all journeys. You do them every day. You clean, cook. wash, shave, more or less, the same way all the time. Same action and result... In a yoga journey I am doing the same postures every day... Take a dirty plate, wash it and dry it... Done. Go to yoga, do the postures, shower... Done. No difference, really... The only difference is in our head. You know, yoga is cool and washing dishes is boring. Yoga will bring out the true self and change your life from the inside. If we generate the same yoga energy and focus while washing dishes, how do we know that the dishes won't change our life. I mean, we never tried it, have never heard of anyone doing a challenge like that.  For a zen master, washing dishes is more important than doing yoga. Just because it is labeled in our head as boring. Apply your full focus and determination on everything you do, from the moment you open your eyes, untill you close them. You do that and it will never be boring, there will never be ordinary moments... It will be life only...

11:00 PM

I had a really good class today. One of the best classes since I started the journey. Deep postures, breathing, relaxing into the postures... It was a class...
My hamstrings and back were sore today for some reason. They felt better last few days, but today its back to being sore and tight. I don't know why, it can be from the yesterday's class, but it was the same class as always. It is weird, it just comes and goes like that...
24 days all over. In the past. Never happened... I have 76 to go...

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Day 23

10:00 AM

I have a new challenge. Waking up without the alarm... Go to sleep at night and trust your body that it will wake up on time the next morning. When we sleep, the real rest we get is during the time when we are deep in our dream world. We are out of it, can't even hear the phone ring, and if someone wakes us up we don't quite know where we are and who we are. That's the sleep that gives us energy for the next day. Now, towards the end of our sleep, we fall into that state where we are easily awaken. Small noise, phone, anything can wake us up. At the same time, we can go back to sleep, just as easily. This is the time where our body had enough sleep, and we are mind sleeping. It is rainy and dark outside, we feel sore, went to sleep late last night, all those things are keeping us in bed. The mind is just being lazy and we gladly follow. However, this is the time to wake up and get up. There is no need to waste a day of your life on sleeping. Mind sleeping, of course....
Not wasting time... Never waste time, not even a minute... Trust your body in the morning, not your mind, get up and walk the path... Every day just get up and walk.... Simple....

2:00 PM

If one wants to walk the path he/she have to start with the view... Right view is the path itself. If you don't have it, you have nothing. Actually, you do have one thing, you have that false "I"... Nice and strong, running the show at all times... Shift the view and your life will shift as well...
Try it.See it for yourself. Taste the orange, and if you don't like it, you can always go back to "normal" life... I doubt you will...
When the view is clear, the other parts of the path follow naturally. One by one, and all together... All you have to do is just pay attention. The path will take care of itself, as long as you are present...
Pay close attention to the things you say. How do you say them, what tone are you using, body language, eyes.... Remember, the other person sees all that while you talk, and will react based on what he/she hears and sees. Words are extremely powerful, they can destroy, but at the same time they can give life. So be careful what you say, be mindful of yourself before you open your mouth, stay connected... Forget yourself for a moment, slide into other people's shoes, feel them properly, and then talk. Glow with positive energy while you talk, or don't talk at all. Learn to talk without opening your mouth, without making a sound... Rise above everything, gossip, judge, lie, complain, and all the other "normal" things we humans do, rise above all of it... Practice right speech and walk.... Walk all the way to a yoga class...

11:00 PM

23rd class in a row... This is really going fast, at least for me. I feel like a started a few days ago. My cravings are almost non-existent now. I don't really try to understand this whole thing, I just do it... Then when I sit back, and look at this blog, I realize that I have been going to yoga for 23 days now. Not bad...
The class isn't getting boring either. My biggest fear was the fact that it might be too repetitive and boring. I don't find it boring, and I don't find it amazing either. Just a class, I go in, do the postures, savasana, and then leave... People keep asking me how do I feel. What do I say...? I feel normal. Nothing special, just normal, doing yoga every day. I don't think it will ever be something extraordinary, it can't be... Only normal. The point is that we are never really normal, so when we catch a glimpse of a normal state, we think of it as something special. Then we say: "I feel amazing..." No you don't. If you are on the path the word amazing is not in the dictionary. Feeling truly normal, thats the feeling... You can't even call it normal, beacuse you are going to ruin it. It just can't be labeled. Once you feel like this, your heart will want to jump out of your chest. Why...? I don't know, but it wants to jump out....
How do you feel...? Oh, I feel.... Thank you