Day 57

10:00 AM

The battle is on again... My penthouse tenant was quiet for a while and the days were just rolling. All 55 of them... Nevertheless, my mind is in a full swing now. Last two days I literally had to force myself to go to class. I can hear it in my head:" F...k I have to go to class again..." Just getting up and going to class is not happening right now. During the class it is a struggle as well. I have to really push myself in order to be fully present, and to give my best effort. My mind is all over the place, and before I know it I slip into the thinking zone and my effort is pathetic... Very overwhelming feeling, even though I know the true nature of it, it is very hard not to fall under the words:  " This is soooo boring..."
However, I am still standing. I am taking heavy hits, but I am still standing. This is the last battle, I can feel it. Recognizing the fact that the mind is trying to regain full control is crucial. You shine the light of awareness on it and the mind gets weaker. Darkness is what the mind wants, it strives when there is no light, no awareness. Then it has full control. Knowing that the battle is on, I have the upper hand. I am able to take all the mind tricks, and still do what I set out to do. I will win this battle as well... It will be a long one, though... Maybe even to the last day...

2:00 PM

Again a difficult class... My knees are hurting, not as bad as before, but still hurting. Very easy for the mind to use the knees as an excuse, and skip some postures. So far I have been in control during the class. I still do everything, but at times my effort fades. I am 3 days away from my 60th class, and I don't feel any of the Bikram's "your body will change" crap... To be honest my body feels worse. My mental state is on a lot higher level, my discipline is full strength, energy always present, but my body sure does not feel changed. Maybe to the worse... Yet, deep down inside there is this little voice telling me that my body will change. Actually, that my body is changed now, and I just don't see it. I haven't had a day off in two months now, so there was no time for my body to relax. I have a feeling that once I complete my journey, and rest for a few days, my body will realign itself and come to life, like a dessert after rain. I can just feel it... I still believe that Bikram's "total body change" crap is not crap after all. Maybe I am wrong. Time will tell...

11:00 PM

Day 57... Solid...