Friday, February 18, 2011

Day 40

10:00 AM

40 days... My friend wished me a happy 40th birthday today... People keep asking me how I feel. I can't really give an answer. I know that they want to know how different I feel comparing to a month ago, but I don't really know. Physically I notice the difference. Strength, flexibility, balance... All improved greatly. My hamstrings still feel very tight, but at the same time they have never been more flexible. Knees still hurt, lower back is better, hips are still in pain... Those changes I notice, but the changes in ME I don't know. The fact is that I don't remember how I was a month ago. I remember the stuff I was doing, but I don't remember how I was. So its hard to say how I feel right now. Yoga classes became effortless. They go by so fast, and I enjoy every moment of it. I am still far away from just breathing while in class, but I am getting better. Still, I can't tell how I feel. Am I different...? How different...? Don't know. Right, I don't know... That's just it. I can't believe I didn't see it before... This whole time I have been giving a perfect answer, while trying to figure out the answer. Sitting in front of this computer, for the first time I can say I don't know truly... Just blank shit of paper about how I feel... So there is a change. A big one... I used to know how I feel, now I don't... Perfect...

2:00 PM

Present moment... We can hear it everywhere. Live in the present moment, connect with the present moment, life is about the present moment... If you live in a present moment it is all one. No problem. No dualism. No suffering. Just present moment... Now, why in the world is it so difficult to be in the present moment? Yes I know all the answers why: your mind, your ego, world around us, today's life... Still, why does it have to be almost impossible...? Its extremely hard to climb Everest, but if you try, you can go for a day or two and fail... Then you try again for some time, and again you fail. It is just hard to do it. However, at least you get a chance to try your best for a day or two, or even for an hour or two. Present moment.... You are good if you get 3 seconds... We all know the tools, the techniques, but when we try to be in the moment it lasts maybe a few seconds. Before you know it, the radio is playing in the head. Then you try again, and again you might get 3 seconds. I do agree that the real hapinness is in trying, trying 10,000 times. Everytime we fail,we get up and do it again. Once we feel like we can't try no more, that there is no hope, then get up and try it again. 10,000 times... Love the path, not the final destination... Love the trying...
Great... I totally agree with that. It really is about the path. However, why does it have to be that hard...? Why can't we get to be in the present moment for an hour, or a day, and then fail and try it again...? The answer is quite simple, really... We need to keep trying every moment... We can't afford not to strive for the present moment for an hour or a day. We need to try, try, try... Moment after moment... That's what keeps our true self alive...

11:00 PM

Class was... I feel... The day was... If you are interesting in connecting with the present moment just ask your self a simple question all the time:                            
               " What is my relationship with the present moment...?"

Are you accepting it...? Do you see it as an enemy...? Is it an obstacle to something bigger...? Do you love it...? Stop and look at it. Look deeply into the present moment, see the answer. The question and the answer will make you just that; present and aware... You will get your 3 seconds... Enjoy...

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